"This is a place for Drake Phyre's (or anyone else's) recaps" It's locked, why is that?
I didn't think it was. but it is.
~ D. Phyre
They don't think it be, BUT IT DO!!!
Ok to set the tone of this post I would like to clarify that there is no malice or even irritation in my fallowing statements, I am simply pointing this out. People tend to think I'm angry when communicating with me through text, not sure why.
Anyway, the reason I noticed the forum was locked is because I was going to point out that the scene you wrote about Thallaris having a farewell drink with his cousin is flawed. Tallaris doesn't drink, if you look at his beliefs you'll see that he wouldn't have done that even if he did. Also I'm pretty sure that didn't happen in game so it doesn't really count as a recap.
The only people he told he was leaving were his crew. And lastly they wouldn't have been able to find him. He can easily achieve stealthy of over 10 which means even a guy with w10 observation would have to spend artha to even have a small chance to see him and only if they were looking and knew where to look. Lol
If he was in a place where he wanted people to be able to find him and a cousin came to him with an offer of even whine he would more than likely gaze at them blankly until they left feeling awkward.
I take creative licence, but i will adjust the story somewhat to reflect these revelations. As for the person entering Farick's tower I never said who it was. A technicality but still. You should have been able to reply to the post in which I placed the story though and let me know there. I can unlocked the section if that's what you want. I am not trying to make a plain summary of the event of the sessions. the paragraph of note text could do that. I enjoy the writing so if I add things in to fill in how you received the information or to add some drama to the situation. I am sorry if I offended, I appreciate that you pointed it out. I hope you will be willing to offer some alternative ideas, and continue providing constructive criticism in the future.
These are the changes I Made:
Thellaris had crossed K'Lairn's bridge two whole days past and his troops, finally were ready to march. A cousin of his had come by with a border patrol early that morning and had stayed to bid him farewell, no doubt the handy work of lady Ammelindë. The irksome formalities of noble ritual dragging on, until a scout barged in, barking his message out in-between gasps. "Commander, an armed force has arrived at K'Lairn's bridge one of their number sits at the peak of the bridge." Excusing himself by completing the ritual's final parting, the patrols commander left almost getting overrun by one of Thellaris's messengers.
~ D. Phyre
Also kind of in line and amusing misspelling in your post
tr.v. fal·low·ing
adj.
1. To plow (land) without seeding it afterward.
2. To plow and till (land), especially to eradicate or reduce weeds.
~ D. Phyre
Following* that may have been my phone correcting me. Lol
The second definition kind of fits though.
~ D. Phyre
That looks ok, and he would have to spend some time visible to perform althing duties. So annoying formalities make sense.
I was not offended or anything and I hope I did not offend you. I will totally continue to add constructive input. I may also start adding personal perspective recaps for a few of my characters if I get into their heads enough. I'm hoping I can get into lord revior's in that way.
Did you want me to unlock the thread?
~ D. Phyre
Yes. Also if you don't unlock it you should change the description since other people can't add recaps lol.
I hope you liked the rest of it.
~ D. Phyre
I haven't read all of it yet. I liked most of it…except for….the romance stuff with Farick, had to try hard to hold i down and now that I was able to keep it down I can no longer poop due to all the cheese. J/K lol
Seriously though, that stuff at least what I have read of it pulls me out of the story cause it feels a bit unnatural.
What don't you like or rather which sort of sub area don't you like. What I mean is. What feels unnatural about it and how would you suggest I improve it?
~ D. Phyre
Well first off, I am by no means suggesting that I can do better. So any advise I give may be of little use. I will try though.
Also as I am using my phone I can't us quotes to show exactly what I am talking about.
The reactions of Feaden(sp?) and to super shmooze style romanticism feels as though it is what she is "suppose" to respond like, rather than how a person who happens to be a woman would react. Trust me, as someone who has the potential for epic levels of shmoozing (just ask Eva) women tend be less swoony about that kind of thing. (It actually drew a wedge between me and my ex because she felt she didn't know me, just the shmoozy persona I was putting on).
My suggestion as to how to improve? I'd say keep up the same shmoozy crop on his end as it is fun to do and to write, but have the women tease him about how corny or cheesy he is being from time to time. Even if they like it. Maybe have one blush and say "Laying it on a little thick my lord" or some such.
Obviously these are your characters and I haven't actually read Feaden's sheet, so that might be how she would react. Just feels odd to me.
I have to get back to work but I would like to talk to you about this more in the future. ^_^
I have made a few changes in light of your advise. I appreciate the cheese tease info. As for Faeden she has been heavily abused and tormented and Farick has given her a place of relative safety. She wont go against him in any big way, she has gained enough self confidence to correct him but not to tease or contradict.
~ D. Phyre
I can see that, however it still seems that she wouldn't necessarily be swoony about it. In fact after reading her beliefs and instincts it seems to me that she would either disbelieve any happiness he could give her would be real or reject it as she believes everyone will die alone. It seems like a person like that wouldn't give romance a chance at all.
Also given the fact that she contently fills Farick with fear when he walks in and sees her or whenever he makes her happy, I can't ever see anyone Wanting to spend time with a person like that.
And now I'm just getting into mechanical problems with her. Dark of night cannot be active while having successfully cast it without you knowing or at the very least without it being considered pronounced sorcery which would get her burned as a witch. It allows you to see light sources without them actually producing light, so if she got enough successes, when she entered a area the sun would go out and it would seem like doomsday, and everyone who saw her would be feared by her aura of fear and just know she was responsible for doomsday. lol
So yeah you might want to revise those things as well.
This doesn't matter to any of that but if it was the dude's masochistic side it should be making her like pain not it liking bad things happening to her. If it were his sadistic side and it had a will of it's own it might enjoy her torment, but if she were infused with it rather than it having it's will than she would start wanting to cause others pain in a sadistic way.
Doesn't really matter as she is an NPC but those are things about her that I feel are game breaking unless you ignore them.
Thanks for the input I made several changes to Faeden's set up and the curse as well as trying to change the story to reflect that she is fighting that very human desire to be part of a group/connect with people.
~ D. Phyre
Cool, I look forward to reading it.